Anxiety Driven

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Anxiety Driven is real, raw and uncut.  It is expression through creative writing and personal messages shared by MMA athlete Jens Pulver and creative writer Todd Smith.  Together, Jens and Todd have created a place to empty their heart and mind while living life with anxiety and depression.  Unified with a message to stop living in the dark and step into the light…knowing peace is attainable, it exists and will be achieved.  Welcome to “Anxiety Driven”.

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Bush and Montgomery

Nov 14

11/14/2012 12:48 PM  RssIcon

I found myself on the corner of Bush and Montgomery.  I walked off the train a few times trying to tame my anxiety. Everyone that thinks they know me, calling me a phony...but you don't know me homie?  You don't know the lonely?  Therapy protects you from me...what runs through my brain...I keep it tucked away because if I speak of it everyday...you might find me drained and unpleasant to be around.

I'm on that train believing in myself, shaking and sweating.  None of you were with me when I was fighting for myself.  People starring at me like "This cat is looking crazy." I was in pain with medicine running through my veins.  This shit isn't funny because it was me. This isn't a movie.  I had children at home waiting for Dad to come home...while my only hope was on the corner of Bush and Montgomery.

I hear it said from time to time? "You bi polar of some kind?"  Or maybe it's because my mind is to poetic for you to define?  Maybe this man on the train in tears for everyone to see...was trapped into believing He's a piece of shit on most days. Just be lucky you are not I because looks can be deceiving...and when life is a mess and hurting...deceiving becomes easy.  You smash into a wall of depression and anxiety. On the way to Bush and Montgomery...I'm trying to save me.


Ambulance rides and checking myself into a hospital bed.  Pumping an IV into my veins with oxygen over my face.  Doctors would get me stable and release me back to society...a lot like sobriety I've been told, but I'm not addicted to anxiety...it seems anxiety is addicted to me.  I'm not free and I want to be.  That's why I was on that train looking for change.  Every ounce of energy while fighting for my sanity...I would hear the voice of God say: "Next stop Montgomery."  It was the choice of therapy, writing and breathing that saved me. I found myself on the corner of Bush and Montgomery.  I found "me."  I saved "me."

Todd W. Smith


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