Anxiety Driven

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Anxiety Driven is real, raw and uncut.  It is expression through creative writing and personal messages shared by MMA athlete Jens Pulver and creative writer Todd Smith.  Together, Jens and Todd have created a place to empty their heart and mind while living life with anxiety and depression.  Unified with a message to stop living in the dark and step into the light…knowing peace is attainable, it exists and will be achieved.  Welcome to “Anxiety Driven”.

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Author: Created: 3/1/2012 4:51 PM RssIcon
general info blog...
By Jens Pulver on 11/14/2012 12:48 PM
I found myself on the corner of Bush and Montgomery.  I walked off the train a few times trying to tame my anxiety. Everyone that thinks they know me, calling me a phony...but you don't know me homie?  You don't know the lonely?  Therapy protects you from me...what runs through my brain...I keep it tucked away because if I speak of it everyday...you might find me drained and unpleasant to be around.

I'm on that train believing in myself, shaking and sweating.  None of you were with me when I was fighting for myself.  People starring at me like "This cat is looking crazy." I was in pain with medicine running through my veins.  This shit isn't funny because it was me. This isn't a movie.  I had children at home waiting for Dad to come home...while my only hope was on the corner of Bush and Montgomery.

I hear it said from time to time? "You bi polar of some kind?"  Or maybe it's because my mind is to poetic for you to define?  Maybe this man on the train in tears for everyone to see...was trapped...
By Jens Pulver on 11/6/2012 11:35 PM
Today I set out to change the world.  I looked in the mirror and said you gotta move.  Another day as a ghost standing too quiet...we man up with our mind and fight it.  Does it really matter if they don't get it? If your heart beats in your chest...walk out of the shade and put your name on it.  Make a name so others can find their way.

If what I write can change a life...then let it be my purpose and fight.  I will do it with a smile inside.  Learning to shine my light from within...to feel worth before I leave this Earth.  I've lived these years thinking I don't deserve...Now I want to be heard...I want to be felt.

I can't push my thoughts for the hype.  This is my life mixed with fear and anger I've lived.  So many emotional have kept me up at night.  Many times I've sat up and felt like I'm gone...I can't feel anything for my favorite songs...when I used to sing along while dancing without shame.  I heard that voice say...where did you go for so long?  All along I just wanted to come back...
By Jens Pulver on 11/5/2012 11:30 PM

How can I, when you were attached by everything...You wiped my tears and wrapped my sheets around me. Should have told me nothing could defeat me.  Instead you defeated me. AT THAT TIME, it's a new time I've forgiven you.  It should have been unconditional...instead it was all the love you could give me. Your love....the lessons I've learned, YES, thank you for teaching me. I watched you, and every step I didn't take for my sake. The words that echoed in my ears that bonded my heart, the words that eventually broke my heart.  I'm writing words that have no way to be defined.  Betrayal is what had my mind framed, changed.  Not completely healed from internal wounds, but did some CPR and a couple of scripture moves.  How can I, how can I TRUST.  When  you were the only person I thought I could trust.

-Nikita

By Jens Pulver on 11/5/2012 6:22 PM
As I get older and older...these dark nights only get lonelier.  Almost thirty and living at home...I have nowhere important to go.  I've been at the top before...At times I thought I was cured...I thought I had life figured out. Until my heart, again was ripped out. It started before I can remember.  With no concrete reason to figure...in my blood and just part of living. Anxiety and depression were co-existing.  I've always been silent and shy...never knew or understood why? Home life was simple and loving but something was missing?

Intelligent and behaved at school.  The teachers never really knew...I did all my studying while crying.  I sat in the back quiet, slowly dying.  No one remembers my name...a fact that I love and hate the same.  No expectations to achieve...no one ever noticed when I'd leave.

The unspeakable pain became devastating.  This once smart boy began failing and lashing out at trivial things.  This once silent boy began to scream.  The doctors filled me with hope...providing...
By Jens Pulver on 10/29/2012 8:04 PM
Everyone needs something to believe in.  We all need someone to believe in us.  Spending your whole life trapped beneath and choking on the dust of that dream you never touched.  We all bought into that bully on the bus...Pushing your confidence around while hearing voices on the playground.  Standing in line waiting to be punched...I know you've lost your way...Yes, it's true we all have...Just don't stay lost forever kid.

How many times did you tell yourself to fight?  That time came and something fell apart inside.  It plays over and over in your head.  Why must we buy into the words others have said?  You're afraid to walk the hallways, finding shortcuts to avoid the ambush.  Spending your whole life trying to rid yourself of weakness. Lost in the make up and trying to fit in.  Losing your smile trying to dwell in the cool things

You're manufactured and wired in love and can't find it within you to defend yourself. The thought of violence just doesn't add up...Throwing a punch doesn't make a connection...From your mind to your fist you resist the thought.  Made fun of because the way you talk.  A stutter because your mind sputters and all you can do is walk away while others begin their chatter.  Their laughter crashes and splashes into mental disaster.  Missing classes and catching passes, finding your way home to feel alone again.

...
By Jens Pulver on 10/25/2012 11:06 PM

Every morning my alarm buzzes just like everyone else's.  The birds chirp with the sun rising and my day starts.  Everyone just wakes up.

My.  War.  Begins.  I hit the snooze button...Once...Twice.  I pull the security blankets tightly over my head. Tighter, tighter and tighter until I'm enveloped with my insecurities in the false security of the bed.

Do I wake up today?  Would I be missed?  I'm Alone with my thoughts. A familiar enemy...My worst enemy...My best friend. I'm down in the trenches and I just can't climb out.  The alarm buzzes again, but I'm already late.

It's a shame the way their eyes see through the pain I've just endured.  To demean and deject the fact that I've just fought and won a war.  The war won't end, there are more battles ahead, but I woke up today.

I woke up today...

-Jason


By Jens Pulver on 10/17/2012 6:35 PM

People wonder about the thoughts that go through my head...here are some of my after fight ramblings...

By Jens Pulver on 10/10/2012 2:02 PM

What does it mean to give anxiety and depression permission to exist in your life?




By Jens Pulver on 10/4/2012 11:07 AM
Mixed up in a time that doesn't want to end

Sleeping through the shining sun on my face

Can't wake up from this personal pain today

Running my hands through cold water to escape

A place that holds my thoughts and ties my hands

Just let me go so the music inside me can play



I'm at peace when guitar strings play so sweet

Someone's talented hands strum my life to sleep

Something just releases from my broken soul

Piano keys that come together in the streets

I just want to run my hands underneath the dirt

I don't want to thirst for sound; but rather live in it



I know at times it's hard to follow me down a road

My writing jumps around with ideas that I hold

But I will never tell you that it's not what's inside

Because the grass roots that lie under my skin

Only provide a glimpse of really what's in my mind

Because everyday I ask myself if I'm really okay

As the music helps...
By Jens Pulver on 9/17/2012 12:33 AM
How can one explain the clarity I feel today?

A GPA with my young life on display

Packing a paper bag lunch with a smile on my face

It's a good feeling inside; a beautiful release

Putting myself in a position to write in peace

A smile on my face knowing what that means

Today is a day of remembrance of the old me

Today is a toast to the past and putting it away



Worrying everyday if I passed in the public eye

Worrying if I poisoned the lives of my children

Will they learn and remain in the positivity of education

Trust in their teachers and embrace with faith

Open up the doors of opportunity and try



The youngest of three became five

I was temperamental with pride

I'd rather fight than come to an understanding

Wasting days dwelling in my areas of grey

This is not who I am; this is not me

I'm a father, husband and a writer of life



I wake up everyday to stay...


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